A Rose By Any Other Name
So ... I noticed it's been a while since I've written. I'm sorry; school has been brutal. (I'm sure you noticed from my previous two posts; they were the last two posts I wrote before I was swallowed by the monster we like to call 'Winter Term.') A lot has happend since I last wrote, one being that I'm dating now. Yes, me, the perpetually single girl, is dating someone. (Actually not just "someone." His name is Craig, and I think he's great.) :)
I've actually had more than one person ask me what I mean by the term "dating." Do I mean dating, like going out on dates with one boy and being "exclusive"? Or do I mean dating, like "I'm actually courting but that term requires more explaining, so I'm just gonna call it dating"? Good question; the answer is ... I'm dating :) And I'm not ashamed to say it.
I've heard the debate; lots of people I really respect in my own church have a lot of different opinions on this subject: How are we, as Christians, supposed to define what we're doing? Should we kiss dating goodbye and decide to "court"? Should we date? Or should we court but call it dating? Maybe we shouldn't do either one? (I could see how that would make life simpler ...)
I'm pretty sure I came to terms (no pun intended) with this issue quite a while before I started dating. I thought through all these ideas and terms and definitions because I think they're important. I read one of Josh Harris's books (I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl), and I found a lot of value in what he said. I respect the measures he went to to protect his future wife physically and emotionally. The way that he decided to go about courting her was admirable and showed a genuine godly character that was truly passionate about the glory of God.
I've also listened to the other side of this debate, the Christians who say that dating is the way to go--in particular the pastors who have told me, "I liked dating my wife!" I respect these godly people as well. I have seen how their marriages (the result of the "dating" process) are beautiful pictures of Christ's redemptive work to save His Bride and to make Her His own. I have seen these husbands and wives who are "products" of the dating process show grace and serve one another in beautiful and loving ways.
All of this "good" evidence I found left me a little confused. Both of these methods look good; they both look REALLY good, actually. Then I began to notice that not only the result was the same (the great marriages) but the process was very much the same as well. And as I observed and read and thought, I realized that Christian dating and Christian courting are very much the same thing. It's just the terms that are different.
Our RUF campus minister, Rob Hamby, has said before, "Dating is not bad because we call it dating; dating is bad because people are involved." How true is that? If you know anything about depraved humanity, you'll agree when I say that we're really screwed up. Along with being messed up ourselves, we also screw up our relationships--our family relationships, our work and school relationships, and our dating/courting relationships. Dating can be bad and so can courting, because there are people in both of them!
I've come to the conclusion that it's not the terms we use that matter so much. It's how it's done. It's the actual process. It's the means by which we reach the end--the end being to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. I call it dating because I think dating can be done well--if we realize that the glory of God is at stake and if we are willing to pursue that glory at all cost to ourselves and to each other.
I found this quote that I think sums up what I've been trying to stumble over my words and say.
"It doesn't matter if you call it 'courtship,' 'dating,' or a 'special friendship.' (A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, right?) What matters--what truly matters today, and on that Last Day--is that we live in such a way that brings glory to God ... Ulitmately, I Corinthians 10:31 is our infallible guide through the relationship maze: 'So whether you eat or drink [or date or court], or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
--Nicole Whitacre
I've enjoyed dating so far (all two weeks of it!). It's been fun and new and weird and scary all at the same time. It's been a good opportunity to find out if I really know who I am, and if I know who I am in relation to who GOD is. I can see God using this dating relationship to sanctify me. Numerous people have approached me at church and said they were praying for us, and that means the world to me. I've seen that this is a community process about bringing glory to God ... after all, that's what courting ... oops ... I mean dating ... is all about. ;)
I've actually had more than one person ask me what I mean by the term "dating." Do I mean dating, like going out on dates with one boy and being "exclusive"? Or do I mean dating, like "I'm actually courting but that term requires more explaining, so I'm just gonna call it dating"? Good question; the answer is ... I'm dating :) And I'm not ashamed to say it.
I've heard the debate; lots of people I really respect in my own church have a lot of different opinions on this subject: How are we, as Christians, supposed to define what we're doing? Should we kiss dating goodbye and decide to "court"? Should we date? Or should we court but call it dating? Maybe we shouldn't do either one? (I could see how that would make life simpler ...)
I'm pretty sure I came to terms (no pun intended) with this issue quite a while before I started dating. I thought through all these ideas and terms and definitions because I think they're important. I read one of Josh Harris's books (I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl), and I found a lot of value in what he said. I respect the measures he went to to protect his future wife physically and emotionally. The way that he decided to go about courting her was admirable and showed a genuine godly character that was truly passionate about the glory of God.
I've also listened to the other side of this debate, the Christians who say that dating is the way to go--in particular the pastors who have told me, "I liked dating my wife!" I respect these godly people as well. I have seen how their marriages (the result of the "dating" process) are beautiful pictures of Christ's redemptive work to save His Bride and to make Her His own. I have seen these husbands and wives who are "products" of the dating process show grace and serve one another in beautiful and loving ways.
All of this "good" evidence I found left me a little confused. Both of these methods look good; they both look REALLY good, actually. Then I began to notice that not only the result was the same (the great marriages) but the process was very much the same as well. And as I observed and read and thought, I realized that Christian dating and Christian courting are very much the same thing. It's just the terms that are different.
Our RUF campus minister, Rob Hamby, has said before, "Dating is not bad because we call it dating; dating is bad because people are involved." How true is that? If you know anything about depraved humanity, you'll agree when I say that we're really screwed up. Along with being messed up ourselves, we also screw up our relationships--our family relationships, our work and school relationships, and our dating/courting relationships. Dating can be bad and so can courting, because there are people in both of them!
I've come to the conclusion that it's not the terms we use that matter so much. It's how it's done. It's the actual process. It's the means by which we reach the end--the end being to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. I call it dating because I think dating can be done well--if we realize that the glory of God is at stake and if we are willing to pursue that glory at all cost to ourselves and to each other.
I found this quote that I think sums up what I've been trying to stumble over my words and say.
"It doesn't matter if you call it 'courtship,' 'dating,' or a 'special friendship.' (A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, right?) What matters--what truly matters today, and on that Last Day--is that we live in such a way that brings glory to God ... Ulitmately, I Corinthians 10:31 is our infallible guide through the relationship maze: 'So whether you eat or drink [or date or court], or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
--Nicole Whitacre
I've enjoyed dating so far (all two weeks of it!). It's been fun and new and weird and scary all at the same time. It's been a good opportunity to find out if I really know who I am, and if I know who I am in relation to who GOD is. I can see God using this dating relationship to sanctify me. Numerous people have approached me at church and said they were praying for us, and that means the world to me. I've seen that this is a community process about bringing glory to God ... after all, that's what courting ... oops ... I mean dating ... is all about. ;)
posted by Ashley Sarratt @ 12:38 AM
6 Comments:
At 10:14 AM,
Eowyn's Heir said…
but you know...you're not really "dating" like most people mean it-- which is one of the problems with that term. It has become so NEBULOUS. That's why a lot of people have turned to the term "courting," I think. Anyway-- you aren't dating "just for fun," with no intent of marriage or really long-term goals. Your going-out-on-dates is a fruit of your relationship status, not what defines it. Hmm-- that was a pretty good way of putting it, now that I think of it, lol. ;D Anyway, does that make sense? What do you think?
At 10:29 AM,
Eowyn's Heir said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
dating, huh?
guess i waited too long. :-(
At 12:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
What a beautiful post! I don't often read people's blogs because, frankly, i don't normally have the time. However, I'm glad I read yours. I'm so happy for you and Craig and I think your perspective on the whole dating vs. courtship issue we Christians have created is full of wisdom. The entire time I was reading, I kept finding myself astonished at how wise you are and how Godly you are and I became a little jealous because I know how, in part, you came to be such a Godly, wise woman. Your church family! I am having the hardest time finding a church here in Russellville, AR and it is mostly because I miss my home church in centerton and my greenville church so bad. It was such a blessing to be a part of the family of believers there. Never was I so challenged and taught and unconditionally loved at any other church. I miss you and all the "group" from Taylor's that used to go get coffee after wednesday night church. .... Well that is all really. I just wanted to let you know that you and "my greenville church" as I so affectionately call it are still treasured in my heart.
At 11:05 AM,
Eowyn's Heir said…
Hey Ash--
I went back & re-visited this post a few times recently (and sent certain other individuals the link... ;D), and I had another thought I thought I'd like to throw out there for group chewing-upon (ok, that sounded gross, and I just got an image of a bunch of dogs scrounging around one bone...but you know what I mean). My thought runs along these lines: covenant.
I've been reading through the OT recently, and have been learning a TON about Jewish culture through a variety of means, and "covenant" just seems everywhere. A binding agreement, a promise between 2 or more parties, regulating not so much results, as the behavior of those parties, especailly towards one another.
For a people formed by covenants (God's with us through Jesus), we Christians today don't think much of them. The only one most people experience these days is the marriage vows. When we join a church, we should covenant, too-- at Immanuel (and other churches) we read a "church covenant" every time a new member joins or men are ordained. It's a beautiful reminder of what our responsibilities to each other are-- what glorifies God in our relating to each other.
We enter into a covenant with other Christians through our covenant with Christ, though we don't often remember it, or act like it. But it's there-- we HAVE to act certain ways towards each other, right? But I wonder if it wouldn't be a good thing to make more intentional covenants with friends, or family members sometimes...though that'd be real strange in our culture.
Ok...so back to dating...what do you think about covenants then? I was reading one guy's view, that we should only go straight from aquaintances to engaged to marriage, and while I do NOT espouse that theory as wise, the covenantal aspect of it appeals to me. I asked my dad about this, and he pointed out that for a good many Christian couples, their dating IS covanental, often involving implied (sometimes stated) expectations for behavior, between guy, girl, and girl's parents (especially dad). Would it be a good thing, in your opinion, for dating couples to covenant with each other and any involved parents, regarding their motives, and actions, before God -- regardless of how the dating relationship "ends"? (marriage or parting of the ways) That sounds really strange, I know. But Jesus never promised to make His disciples "normal," lol. What are your thoughts?
At 9:17 AM,
Amy Donell Molina said…
Christina I think you have a point. Honestly, there is nothing biblical about dating. NOTHING! Where is it actually found in the scriptures? It's not. You only see engagements and marriages... and pre arranged marriages... now... I guess you could go to the extreem as that man did that you mentioned and say... skip dating go straight from friendships to marriage... but I think that is extreem and unwise. One good thing that our present day culture DOES lend to is getting to know people (dating) with a persute towards greater things (marriage)...of course our culture perverts that... but in a christian context.... there stands the debate... how do you regulate that or give biblical principles to that when it's not even found in the bible?
I've always argued that dating is NOT ... JUST a brother sister relationship...sorry... but I don't look at ryan or my relationship with Ryan, or hold hands with ryan the same way I look at and hold hands with Claudio... IT IS DIFFERENT! IT IS. but yet... we're not married. There is no MARRIAGE covenant between us.... so it is also DIFFERENT from marriage... so here's the question.... WHAT IS IT? dating. well...what is THAT?
In my opinion there is something of a commitment... a covenant... if you will... between two people that are dating. Is it as strong as a marriage covenant? NO. Is it just brother sister covenants? No. While most certainly it DOES include the brother sister covenant and responsibilities but not the covenant and responsibilities of a marriage relationship.
So what does it include/allow?
I don't know. All that to say I don't know. But I am convinced that it is more than just brothers and sisters.
So... Christina.. your thoughts have made me wonder... say... that's not a bad idea to make a "dating covenant" between two people and parents included.
........ AE
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